Part One
It’s twelve fifteen, the wedding started at twelve. I can’t believe I’m late to my own brother’s wedding. Is it at the church over on Magnolia or is it that big old church by the stadium? Let’s pick the one by the stadium, it’s closer.
Here we are. Do I have everything? This bow tie looks ridiculous.
Holy Jesus these doors are heavy, you’d think with all these old people they’d have some lighter doors.
“Oh hello there grandma, how are you? I know I’m late. I know it looks ridiculous. I know I know I’m going.”
Wow, there are a lot of people there, including the bride’s sisters, hello there. And there’s a little wink. Oh she didn’t like that.
There’s ol’ Johnny, I can’t believe I’m late.
“Hey Johnny, sorry I’m late” he looks pissed.
“Hey shmuck, bout time. Got the ring?”
HOLY HELL! I forgot the ring at home, oh no, what am I gonna do?
“Oh I just forgot it in the car. Excuse me for a sec while I retrieve the precious” I just lied so hard.
Why does this church have to be so awkwardly long? Holy cow, grandma looks pissed. Let me quicken my pace a bit.
Again with these doors, I feel like my arm is gonna get ripped off. Look at my beautiful black Stang glowing with glory. Alright baby, let’s start up.
PUTTPUTT POW!
You’ve gotta be kidding me!? I guess I’ll have to run back to the house. Oh ouch, bad idea running in dress shoes. Wow, starting to sweat. Breathe. Keep on going, we’re almost there.
Here we are, wow those shudders need fixing. THERE’S THE RING! It’s twelve thirty; Johnny’s probably giving birth to a small cow right now. Sprint legs sprint! Breathe! THE CHURCH!
The holy heavy doors yet again.
“Grandma, Hello! Yes I know” such a sweetie.
There he is, he’s so damn happy right now. Oh man I might start crying. Stay strong.
“Got it?”
“Yea…here” don’t breakdown.
“I love you brother”
“OH GOD I LOVE YOU TOO BROTHER!” Oh that was a bit much.
“Sorry, go on” And it’s on! I wonder if the bride’s sister is gonna be at the reception.

Part Two
Twelve minutes until the wedding starts, I can’t believe the day is finally here. Nothing could possibly make this day go wrong, except Johnny’s bum of a brother who never showed up to the dress rehearsal…
Oh shoot, I have to make sure sis has the ring. Whoa, I nearly broke a heel. Wow these doors are heavy, I better warn daddy about those.
“You got the ring?” she looks so beautiful, “Great, TEN MINUTES!” Where is that best man!?
This is it! “Dad, remember the doors” oh lord he’s getting old.
There’s Johnny’s sour grandma. “Hey there grandma!” I hope no one told her about those doors. And there is my knight in shining armor. And look there, no best man.
Oh I hear a car. And there is the best man who had no warning about those doors, sissy. What on earth is he wearing? That’s the most disgusting bow tie I’ve ever seen. Excuse me, he did not just look at my sister like that!
What!? He forgot the ring in the car!? What a moron.
“PUTTPUTT POW!”
What on earth was that!? It sounded like a gun shot or… it’s probably the genius of a best man.
It’s been fifteen minutes and that cheese ball still isn’t back! Oh I can hear him coming, what a little sissy with those doors. My word, he looks like he just got in a bar fight. He must’ve run to go get the ring… I guess he’s not so bad.
“I LOVE YOU TOO BROTHER!” Really? Did he really have to do that? He’s caused enough of a scene already. And hear it is and the ring is on! YES! Is Johnny’s brother crying? Oh I bet it’s all an act to get my sister…
“Hey you! Come here. I know what you’re tryin to do with my sister.” Little punk, “Excuse me! You aren’t to use that in any such way!”
How come Johnny never does that?